My Thanksgiving Survival Guide
Thanksgiving is about friends and family coming together and stuffing their faces with food while avoiding talking about Trump. At least that’s what my Thanksgiving has morphed itself into. I am a self-proclaimed Thanksgiving connoisseur, so when I say that I know how to avoid cooking and the drama, while reaping all the rewards, I mean it.
So come along, young grasshopper, as I unleash my knowledge of this glorious holiday onto you.
Sleep in
Thanksgiving requires important prep work to be successful. Since Thanksgiving food takes pretty much all day to prepare and make, sleeping in is KEY. When you come wondering out to the kitchen in the late morning/early afternoon, everyone has already been assigned a dish or dessert.
Dress Accordingly
It’s important that you have a pair of (preferably grease stained) sweatpants. I prefer my grey oversized sweatpants with an elastic band for stomach expansion. Your decades old summer camp T-shirt pairs well with this garb. You want to look the least likely person that people would want touching their food.
Offer your help
As soon as they see the lack of motivation in your overslept eyes and the grey heap of comfort clothes that you’ve become, they will be completely unwilling to accept your help in the kitchen. Success. You SEEM like you’re willing to help and offer it gladly, but the full swing of activity can go on as you lurk in the background. This is insurance. If later in the day or during the meal someone brings up what you contributed you simply reply, “I offered to help!”
Don’t snack too much
The trick is trying to reach that perfect balance between really hungry but not starving. Not eating anything will make your stomach shrink and eating too much leaves no room for dinner. This is the one gluttonous day of the year where looks and calories do not matter in the slightest. You want to go into the meal really hungry, but not ravenous. If you’re watching football, they usually have snacks out. Just don’t go too crazy on the salty snacks.
Plan Your Plate
This is a crucial step. The meal is about to be served and you only have one plate. The common mistake that noobs make is they only get what fits on a single plate. When you have side plates and small bowls, you can get more variety and quantities of food. This is especially important when you know in your heart of hearts that your sister is going to take the rest of the coveted stuffing you’ve been dreaming about all month long.
Avoid Talking About the Threes
I’m sure everyone has heard about the threes you should never discuss, politics, sex, and religion in good company. Any other day of the year you can piss off your parents or disappoint your grandmother. Today is a day of stark silence. As much as I hate Trump, my mouth will be too full and my heart too happy to become a social vigilante. Today is a day of peace, even when relatives are begging for a verbal, or even physical slap.
Drink Responsibly
Drink and be merry, but don’t overdo it. The above tip will be null and void if you are unable to keep your mouth shut…unless you’re eating of course. Since you’re not eating too much before, you don’t have much to absorb the alcohol. Also, there is less room for tasty food. Wine is more powerful than people give it credit for!
Dessert
ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS make room for dessert. Chances are that there’s some kid who ate two bites of their meal just to get to this stage in the meal. Those little goblins are usually the reason there are no left over pumpkin pie. I don’t care how much you stuffed your face, if you don’t get it in time, that’s on you.
Get out of Washing Dishes (sort of)
The trick here is to be super proactive about helping with the dishes….at first. When I finish eating I like to immediately grab my plate and a few others who are finished around me and take it to the sink. Make a spectacle of it. If you clear the table and start to fill the dishwasher, others will eventually jump up to help you. As soon as they do…..you can slowly slink away. I like to lie on the couch with my stomach protruding just moaning about how I ate too much. If someone senses your con, simply say you feel sick. You helped, you just don’t feel well. They may not be sympathetic, but they all just witnessed your martyrdom moments earlier.
Those are my steps in creating the best, stress free Thanksgiving that I can think of. This comes from many years of practice, trial and error. Do you have any tips on how to survive Thanksgiving in your home? Comment below!
